The Real Offensive Super Bowl Ad

Noticed that nobody is talking about the real offensive commercial that aired during the Super Bowl. The ad in question features animated Peanuts characters while one, Schroeder, plays our National Anthem on his animated piano. Following the lead of great conspiratorial minds like Glenn Beck, it’s obvious that the commercial was an attack on America and an attempt by Progressives, both foreign and domestic, to normalize Animated-Americans.

This attack on what makes America exceptionally awesome will only help Obama and Hillary. The ad promotes many lifestyles Americans wants banned and stuff. Peppermint Patty promotes pre post-modern feminism, Marcy promotes studious lesbianism, Snoopy and Woodstock obviously promote gay homosexual marriage which can only be a direct attack on the probable Huckabee-Santorum ticket in 2016.

But not all Animated characters are American, some are from foreign lands and to normalize them within America can only be interpreted as an attempt to promote open borders and amnesty for illegal Animated immigrants.  To make matters worse, we have learned from the NSA and their monitoring of our cartoon viewing that the totally real Friends of Hamas may be infiltrating America with animated characters to help Somali-Minnesotan-Americans execute future terror attacks which leads me to my real point. To defend America I need you to donate so I can write a book on this called “Killing Linus”, which will complete the trilogy started by Bill O’Reilly’s Killing Jesus.

For America! (or something)

seaQuester DSV

When we last left the crew of seaQuester DSV, our heroes of the Deep Shit Vehicle were gridlocked in port, unable to set sail for the 44th straight episode….

“Captain O’Bama!” yelled the young Ensign, “We have an alert, there’s an unidentified ship in our sector!”. As the sonar lights up displaying the unknown contact, First Officer Lt Commander Boehner arrives on the bridge.

“Were you crying again John?” asked Captain O’Bama, showing charming concern.

“Yes, I was. We’ve served together for years and we have yet to leave port. It makes me sad” said Boehner, the orange skinned veteran, trying not to choke up.

“What is that ship doing?” asked kid wonder Lt Paul Ryan, as he looked on with dreamy eyes. “It looks like it’s dumping something?”

“Send out K.A.R.L. Rove to determine what these people are dumping into our precious oceans.” ordered Captain O’Bama.

K.A.R.L. Rove, the super dolphin, eagerly complied as he always has since that fateful day when Rove the dolphin merged with the consultant super computer K.A.R.L. after an explosion that was meant for President Romney destroyed the Constitution, a ship named after a document that nobody actually reads.

“Eek Eek kaka kaka kooey!” exclaimed the super dolphin as everyone on board the seaQuester realized the true danger, the unknown ship is dumping tea! The ship belongs to the Tea Party! The Enemy of the Beltway! Scourge of the Status Quo! Led by Dread Pirate Palin, the Leader of the Tea Party and commander of the Ubetcha has been dumping tea into all the beautiful oceans in an attempt to bring attention to the rising oceans of debt.

“My God! Don’t they realize there is no debt problem? Don’t they trust us when you tell them?” sobbed Lt Commander Boehner as Doctor Aristotle Gardner consoles him and motions him to sickbay.

Captain O’Bama stands up on the bridge, “We have to stop them! Send out the dinghy WPoT Unity! and stop that tea from being dumped! We…must….act!” 

But before the brave crew can act, maniacal laughing can be heard over the intercoms of both the seaQuester and Ubetcha. “BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA! I am here to save the world, I, John McCain, and my trusty lesbian sidekick, Lindsay, are here to settle all scores! You wacko birds have defied me for the final time!”

As Dread Pirate Palin and brave charming Captain O’Bama looks on, the sky becomes darkened by thousands of drones….

Join us next time on seaQuester DSV as our brave heroes must join with the Tea Party to face a common enemy in….”They Rand My Paul”.

Until next time True Believers!

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Alternative History President John McCain

It’s time to go into the multiverse and look in on an alternate Earth where John McCain is in the early months of his second term as President.

March 2013 on Earth-79

President McCain spoke out against Senate Minority Leader Rand Paul again today after Paul once more criticized the President after the wrong house was destroyed in Dearborn by a Homeland Security “Police Action Drone” which killed the White family instead of the neighboring Whalid family. The Whalids were alleged to be plotting a terror attack during Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel’s speech at the dedication to the Libyan War Memorial in Detroit. The President known as “Maverick” for always attacking the Republican Party is now labeling all GOP critics as “Wacko Birds” and has hinted he may retaliate by appearing at the White House with the other Kentucky Senator, Ashley Judd at the White House state dinner for Egyptian President Morsi next week.

First Lady Cindy McCain was at Bethesda today cheering up wounded veterans returning from the front lines in the Iran War. The First Lady posed for pictures and reminded the soldiers that their efforts will be rewarded with lower oil prices and freedom for all Iranians.

Treasury Secretary Willard Romney insisted once again on Capitol Hill the McCain Affordable Health Insurance Act of 2009, alternatively called RomneyCare, is not the cause of the high unemployment rates or the cause of what is now known as the 28 Hour Work Week. Assistant Treasury Secretary Tagg Romney denied reports that his father is only interested in economic growth to lay the ground work for a 2016 presidential run.

Secretary of State Lindsay Graham was not amused after First Daughter Meghan McCain told an undercover reporter that Graham was a lesbian and fantasizes about being an Amazon Warrior and dressing in a Wonder Woman costume at the State Department. A Graham spokesperson would only say, “we never comment on the rantings of the First Daughter”.

In media news, RedEye with Greg Gutfeld in it’s new 8pm ET time slot has surpassed the ratings of The O’Reilly Factor, the show it replaced after the unfortunate O’Reilly/Danny Pratt incident last December at a Charlestown Chiefs hockey game. The show has been a hit and the term “RedEye Republican” has been a popular meme on the internet and with gift shop sales at FNC’s online store.

In Twitter news, former Late Night and new Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon tweeted, “@TonightShowJimmy: Congrats to @PoliticsOfFear on his first week as the new Late Night host!”.

Quotes of the Day

“I wish you crack addict wacko birds would leave me alone about 2016” — Jeb Bush after making 19 Sunday talk show appearances to promote his new book, 2016 and Me.

“Why don’t you just shut up and accept the government at it’s word?” — Unknown WPoT after being asked about the militarization of US law enforcement.

“Next time we will buy off some better known bloggers” — Malaysian Ministry of Truth spokesman

“I still like Duke and Indiana” — Barack Obama, former US Senator, Democratic presidential candidate and current ESPN college basketball analyst.

“Celebrities I name dropped today include, Mick Jagger, Maurice Chevalier, Stan Lee and Meredith Baxter-Birney-Baxter” — Piers Morgan

Gary Hussein Willardmittens III for President

 

Looking for a choice and not an echo? Then all your answers can be found in one candidate. Those of us here at the Americans for Simplistic Solutions (ASS) are proud to endorse businessman and career politician, Gary Hussein Willardmittens III. Gary spent 8 years as Governor of  America’s most successful of our 57 states and founder and CEO of Vain Capital. As the nominee of the Republicratarian Party, Gary will fulfill all of his campaign promises as President just like he did as Governor.

“As President I will balance the budget by cutting taxes and increasing spending. I have a secret plan to end all the wars and bringing our troops home by bombing every country we are or have ever been at war with. I will solve our energy crisis by creating more energy at lower prices with government oversight and constant deregulation. Healthcare must be cheaper and will be once we copy the system created by France and Hillary Clinton. I am a uniter, not a divider or multiplier. Everybody will enjoy America’s new Golden Age whether they be a gay Christian, a fundamentalist Atheist, transgendered Muslim or even potentially Canadian.”

Gary was born in Kenya, Hawaii to a poor wealthy man, Abdul Herbert Walker Willardmittens of West Lansing Michigan and his homely wife Helga Rottencrotchoff of Karl Marx Stadt, East Germany. Gary enjoys water boarding, chemtrail spotting and a shaved scrotum. Gary’s wife Ann-Michelle Willardmittens is proud of her country, Mexico, which she left illegally at the age of 17 while riding a unicycle with only a mariachi band and 20 kilos of coke to her name. They have 3 children, a son, Tigger, who lives at 100 Acre Forest and 2 daughters, Kate & Pippa currently living in Britain.

Boycott Ann Coulter’s New Book

Conservatives have been used and abused by a shrill harpy known as Ann Coulter for years. She profits on the backs of hard working conservatives who she then sold out during the 2012 GOP Primaries. After lying about the immigration records and stances of conservative candidates Newt Gingrich and Texas Governor Rick Perry, Coulter swerved leftward and revealed herself as the fake that she truly is. As if lying about conservatives in favor of a mushy moderate/liberal wasn’t enough, she even wrote a column called 3 Cheers for RomneyCare where she promoted the signature legislation of both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama. Her Reign of Terror against actual conservatism can no longer continue without consequences. Once again, Coulter has a “book” to promote as she expects conservatives to be like sheep and continue financing her career. The new book, once again a single worded title called “Mugged” and is about her oversimplification of racism over the past 4 decades. Since she needs to pay a price for her lies and endorsements I am calling for a boycott of her book on behalf of all conservatives. This group is called C.A.C.K.L.E. which stands for Conservatives Against Coulter’s Kooky Lies and Endorsements. CACKLE is dedicated to calling out Coulter, her lies, deceit, and promotion of anti-conservative viewpoints and candidates. Let the media feeding frenzy begin (I hope).

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Reactions to Cairo Embassy Attack and Response

Janet Napolitano: “I didn’t realize they had the Tea Party in Egypt.”

Van Jones: “Obviously the predominately white Egyptians attacking Obama’s embassy are racist, ignorant and spent too much time listening to talk radio”.

Vice President Biden: “Those people are different than the guys at 7-11, right?

President Obama: “As I’m taking time out from my golf tournament and celebrity fundraiser, I’d like to tell the American and Egyptian people that I am allocating more funds and personnel from NASA to continue their mission statement of Islamic outreach. Now watch me hit this golf ball with John Boehner’s face on it”.

 

It’s 1992, Stupid

An aloof, out of touch president during a recession is focused on reelection, foreign policy and social issues. While the economy sputters at best, the convention begins and the party is focused on social issues, Culture War, abortion, etc. Is this Bush and the Republican National Convention of 1992? Nope, this is Obama and the Democratic National Convention of 2012. All that’s missing is William Jefferson Clinton  Willard Mitt Romney looking into a TV camera and saying, “it’s the economy, stupid”. The Democrats do have one thing going for them, at least Stephanie Cutter is prettier than Mary Matalin and Steph isn’t dating Mitt’s campaign manager.

2016: An Obama Odyssey

The following is the plot of the new movie about Barack Obama currently showing in theaters.

WARNING! Spoilers

A NASA space plane carries President Obama to the International Space Station for a layover to Moon Base Alpha, a US base on the Moon run by Newt Gingrich & Martin Landau. While waiting, Russian cosmonauts ask Obama about strange goings on at the base. Obama politely declines to get specific saying, “no, I’m just headed to the Moon to play some golf before campaigning for my third term, please transmit my regards to Vladimir”.

After arriving on the Moon, Obama meets with Reverend Jeremiah Wright who shows him the mysterious monolith that was recently discovered. Obama, impressed with the alien artifact states, “now we totally didn’t build that” as Reverend Wright exclaims, “GOD DAMN AMERICA RIGHT WE DIDN’T!”. As they look on, Obama touches the Monolith and a very loud radio signal emanates from the Monolith towards Jupiter.

The movie jumps 18 months later, midway into Obama’s third term as President, Obama, Reverend Wright, Van Jones and a team of scientists in suspended animation are aboard ObamaCare One, a space craft approaching Jupiter. The ship is run mostly by the Biden 9000 computer. The Biden 9000 tells Obama that the ships main antenna is about to fail but after checking it out, it is working perfectly. Dr Chandra, a computer expert determines that the Biden 9000 computer is malfunctioning. Biden replies, “I assure the guy who looks like he should be working at a Delaware 7-11 that I am in perfect working condition.” After killing the scientists in cryogenic stasis, Obama, Reverend Wright and Van Jones decide to deactivate the Biden 9000 computer.

Reverend Wright is the first to attempt to enter the main computer room but is killed trying to remove the memory chips from the Biden 9000 with “GOD DAMN AMERICA AND THEIR COMPUTERS” as his final words as he is electrocuted. Next Van Jones tries to enter from the other side of the ship but is killed when the Biden 9000 blows open an airlock as Van cries out to his love, Glenn Beck.

Alone and trapped in an EVA Pod, Obama discovers a giant monolith orbiting Jupiter. As Obama approaches it, his pod is surrounded by multi-colored light and Obama appears in a strange, very bright room with an older version of himself. Obama asks, “what’s going on?”. Older Obama responds, “something is about to happen, something wonderful”. Suddenly another monolith appears, as Obama touches it he is transformed in a giant Space Fetus, surrounded by a brilliant light. As Obama reaches out to touch the Earth the voice of Older Obama once again speaks, “something is about to happen, something wonderful”. The theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays as Obama Space Fetus sees Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan being sworn in by Chief Justice Hillary Clinton as the new President of the United States.

NBC Reports on Death of Astronaut Neil Young

NBC reports that astronaut Neil Young passed away today. Young was the commander of Apollo 11 crewed by astronauts Crosby, Stills & “Buzz” Nash. While President Obama was deeply saddened by the loss of Canada’s greatest astronaut, saying “I’m deeply saddened”. Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan, instead focusing on the 1971 passing of jazz trumpeter Neil Armstrong, refused to comment on Neil Young. With the exception of Alabama, the other 56 states will have their flags at half staff in honor of the first Canadian to walk on the Moon. More comments at the following link http://twitchy.com/2012/08/25/oops-nbc-reports-death-of-astronaut-neil-young/

 

Mullet Family Rebukes Both Romney and Obama

They say they are the typical American family, Mike & Myrna Mullet pictured below with their son Little Mikey say they may not vote this year. Mike, an under employed meth lab engineer, says he just doesn’t see much difference in the candidates. Myrna, a hairdresser who lost her job last summer after a hidden camera show exposed her salon reusing hair gel illegally imported from North Korea agrees with her husband, “yeah, except for the fact that they are different parties, different religions, races and stuff, they are exactly alike”. When asked about third parties, Mike said he “doesn’t like the smell of ‘turd parties” even though he participated in them while in community college. After attempts to explain “third” vs “turd”, the interview was ended abruptly when the sheriff arrived to serve a warrant for mopery. As Mike was taken away, Little Mikey, aged 3 said, “yes, we keep being told this is the most important election ever but they say that every year, the zeitgeist says this election should be a so called slam dunk for Republicans but you can never underestimate the power of elitist media combined with identity politics in modern American politics”. Little Mikey also pointed out he is still breastfed.